Oh dear! The end is near!

The Constitutional Court has received an “extremely urgent court application” for the appointment of an “investigative task team” to prepare for the end of the world on December 21, according to a report on Wednesday.

Robert Sefatsa, 38, a Soweto resident, also stated in papers handed in at court that the government needed to form a new department to prepare for judgment day next Friday, Beeld reported.

He suggested that the new state department should be called the “department of paranormal and esoteric sciences”.

Sebatsa pointed out that according to the Mayan calendar, judgment day would be on December 21, and it was therefore a matter of extreme urgency that South Africa and other countries make their preparations for the apocalypse.

A commission of inquiry should include geologists, statisticians, astronomists, economists and extra-terrestrial technologists, and should be competent to cope with evacuation procedures, sea and air logistics, and resettlement, he said.

South African humor

Gauteng policeman at a roadblock. 'Congratulations', said the cop. 'Because you are wearing your seat belt, you have just won R5,000 in the Arrive Alive safety competition'.

Xolani could hardly believe his luck 'What are you going to do with your cash?' asked the traffic cop.

'Eish! I'm going to get a driver's license,' Xolani answered.

'AAUW!! Please sir, don't listen to him sir,' yelled Dipuo in the passenger seat. 'He always tries to be smart when he is drunk!'

With all this noise, Andiswa woke up in the back seat. He took one look at the cop and moaned, 'YOH! Guys - I TOLD you, stealing the BMW was a bad, bad idea. WE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE RED MAZDA! BUT YOU THINK YOU ARE ALWAYS CLEVA!!'

At that moment, there was a knock from the boot and Jamaal's voice shouted in a heavy Nigerian accent : 'Am I over the border yet?

Application For Employment

Why Winter Sucks

 

We live in Southern California for a reason: we hate winter. Winter is the time of year when every other living thing chooses to either die or hide, but for some reason we humans choose to just put on a giant coat and power through it. If you’re one of the millions of people who live in a climate that actually has a winter season, then here are some good reasons to absolutely hate it:

Snow

On a graph of Coolness, snow follows the same exact curve as showering with your dad: it might seem cool and exciting when you’re a little kid, but it really starts to suck as you get older. Especially when your dad gets to the point where he can’t control his bowels anymore. In fact, snow is sort of Nature’s version of diarrhoea. It’s not quite a solid, and not quite a liquid, but whatever it falls on it completely f*cks up. It’s sky shit, and in the winter your city is full of it. That’s nasty, dude.

Ice

Ice is like Samantha from Bewitched: She’s only tolerable when her powers can be harnessed for your own selfish gains. If it’s floating in a glass of whiskey or giving bears a surface to play hockey on, then ice is awesome. In the wild, though, ice is a complete bitch, and if she’s left to her own, she’ll make your life a living hell. Over the course of their life, a person who lives in a cold climate will spend an average of 12 full years scraping ice off of their windshield. That statistic is entirely made up, but there’s still some truth behind it. And ice doesn’t only accumulate on cars, either. Ice on roadways is responsible for thousands of accidents every year, which is exactly why your insurance company will not accept "weather" as the cause of an accident, unless it can be considered an act of God. On the plus side, though, ice has a sick sense of humour, because as horrible as slipping on ice is, there’s nothing in the world that’s funnier than seeing a fat person slip on ice in public.

Girls Get Fat

It’s a fact: people have less sex in the winter. That alone should be enough to make you drop kick the head off of the next snowman you see and moving to a warmer climate, but it’s not just shrinkage and treacherous weather that’s keeping you from getting any action during the winter months. Chicks get considerably less sexual as the days grow shorter and the temperature drops. They stop worrying about fitting into their swimsuits, start eating like pigs, and let their leg hair grow until it’s long enough to braid. This all stems from one very simple fact: they know they have three months to cover every single piece of exposed skin on their body like an Inuit blubber harvester. Drunken one night stands turn into a game of "am I really drunk enough to f*ck that hairy skin fold under all that fleece". Hey Winter, we don’t like that game. We don’t like it one bit.

It’s F*ckin’ Cold

You may not believe this, but apparently there are some people who enjoy living in really cold climates, where your nose runs all the time, and you can’t shower in the morning because if you leave the house with wet hair you’ll literally catch pneumonia, and you have to put on fifteen layers of clothes just to walk to the bar down the street, and once you get there it takes you 25 minutes to take off all your shit and pile it up next to you, but then right after you get done your friend is like, "oh, sweet, I just got a text from Matt. He said he wants to meet up with us at this other bar. Let’s head over there" and then you have to put all of your shit back on just so you can walk down the street with a runny nose and then have to take it all back off again. I am not one of those people.

Your Clothes Get All Jacked Up

If you have any clothes that you ever want to wear again, you’d better put them away for the winter. As soon as you step outside into the crisp winter day, any fabric that you’re wearing instantly becomes soaking wet. If it’s a decent winter, then the sidewalks will be covered in salt to keep the ice from forming on the concrete, and any part of your pants that’s within three feet of the sidewalk is going to soak up salt water. Any idiot who’s been dropped into the Dead Sea from a helicopter knows that salt water does absolutely atrocious things to clothes, and during the winter your entire city is covered in the stuff. I guess that’s why people buy those big stupid snow boots, but nobody has ever successfully picked up a chick while wearing big stupid snow boots, and anyone who says they did is a big gay liar.

Source: http://digg.com/newsbar/topnews/5_Reasons_Why_Winter_Sucks

A little bit of humor

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical !!!    

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter  and steam.   "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted.  "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.  It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.  Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.  I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.    
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?"  They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!  

Some of the things I've learned in the past year

... and this is in no particular order...

Wine is good for the soul  (enjoy as much of it as possible)

Discovering something "new" is a good thing

Surprises are good (unless it's cancer)

Ironing is for the birds (and I ain't no bird)

The meaning of life is ... the amount of  MEANING that you put into life

The people I work with are pretty interesting

People will dissappoint you no matter what (deal with it and get over it)

Change is a constant (nothing ever stays the same forever)

Even Peter Pan has to grow up...  (.... eventually....)

People will try to keep up with the Jones's just to fall flat on their face because they could not keep up with the payments. (Eish - and it was such a nice Mercedez)

I think I've been pretty close to an emotional meltdown a couple of times this year.

At times I just felt completely emotionally detached and at times it felt like my heart was just bleeding empty.

So..... I'm glad it is 2011! Finally!

I have litterally turned over a new leaf.

I am  starting over and I'm doing it my way.

I have officially started my 4 year action plan (two weeks ago)

And don't ask me why, I'm doing it because I CAN.

I have never and I will never dance to anyone else's tune.

If you want me to be your little "puppet-on-a-string", I've got news for you.

This year I am going all the way to get what I want, when I want it and as much of it as I want.

I am responsible for my own success, no-one else is.

Now for those that know me well enough (I hope), my plan does not involve any world domination.

My plan includes finding myself (yip, I lost myself somehow), finding direction (GPS does not apply here), finding the guts and then finding the time - all with the express purpose of getting myself somewhere flippen better than here (in 4 year's time).

Oh, and another thing, I've managed to find my stomach muscles after years of hiding and inactivity (I still can't see them, but I can sure as HELL feel them. I thought I have lost them years ago when I lost myself.

Yip, Like sands through the hour glass, so is the days of our lives.

Now why does that sound strangely familiar? Oh well, seems like I lost my mind as well amongst other things mentioned above.

So, it's time for me to call it a day.

TGIF! The weekend is here and I have things to do and places to be.

But don't worry friends, I'll be back soon.